Session 3
Toolbox of Consequences

Introduction

The Map
Sometimes parents have a justice mentality when it comes to consequences. You did this so you deserve this. Some parents even have a chart on the wall putting various consequences to misbehaviors. That kind of an attitude is often motivated by parental anger and an internal sense of justice in the heart of a parent. Rarely does a justice mentality touch the heart of a child or result in significant change. It simply tries to change behavior. There’s a better way to look at consequences.

Imagine your child’s heart to be like a map. You see a weakness in an area and you want to move from one place on that map to another. Your child is here at point A on the map and you want to help your child to move over here to point B on the map. Consequences are like roadblocks, signs, and direction markers on the road of life. Sometimes a consequence just gets the child’s attention. They say to a child, “Hey. We’re going to work on this.” Or, “Be on the lookout for this problem because we’ll be focusing on it for a while.”

This view of consequences will help you accomplish much more in your child’s heart.

I want to share with you a toolbox of consequences. This isn’t just a small toolbox. This is a tool chest with a lot of compartments and drawers in it. You’ll have a lot of tools by the time we’re done. Here are the seven categories of consequences for your toolbox.

One of the ways that parents train children is through the use of consequences. Choosing the best one for a particular offense though, can be a challenge at times. In fact, many parents tend to narrow their repertoire of consequences to a few or they have a favorite that they use over and over again. Taking away a privilege, going to bed early, or grounding a child are just a few. Unfortunately, some parents even use anger as their primary consequence, punishing a child with harshness and distance. 

It’s like the one-tooled handyman. Every time something breaks, he has only one tool, a hammer. If the pipes leak, he hits them with a hammer, if the air conditioner doesn’t work, he hits it with a hammer. If the window is broken, he tries to fix it with a hammer. Well, of course that’s absurd yet many parents take that kind of approach to parenting. They have got one tool, whatever their favorite might be, and that’s what they tend to use in family life.

Instead, parents need a toolbox of consequences to help them work on the various challenges with their kids. So before we get into specifics about individual tools, let’s step back and ask some important questions about discipline in general.

Planning Your Discipline
 
Hebrews 12:5-11 is a key passage in scripture dealing with discipline and correction.

Here are some observations about discipline.

1.	Consequences are part of a bigger plan. “Discipline” means “to teach.” Children are in the God-given task of growing up. Consequences are only a part of the teaching process.

2.	The goal is not justice, but teaching. Some parents have a “chart mentality” when it comes to discipline. You did this so you deserve this. That kind of approach rarely touches a child’s heart. 

3.	Discipline requires patience and firmness over time. Children rarely change quickly. Most issues require that you develop a plan and work that plan with your child for quite a while before they catch it, or develop the character necessary to carry it on on their own.

4.	Plan consequences for maximum impact. Don’t give them impulsively. When you think “consequences,” you have to think “strategy.” Don’t fall into the trap of reactive discipline.

A Toolbox of Consequences

We’ve identified several categories of consequences. You’ll likely want to return to this section over and over again to help spark your creativity as you work with your child. Remember that the goal is a changed heart. Look for consequences that get into the heart to adjust the way children live, the things they believe, and their operating principles for life.

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1 • Natural Consequences

Natural Consequences are your friend. They are the normal results of the choices your children make. In these cases kids receive correction from life. With Natural Consequences you don’t have to be the bad guy because you’re not giving the consequence, life is.

	Karen plays rough with the cat and gets scratched.
	Bill leaves his soccer shoes out on the porch and they get wet in the rain.
	Rick forgets to take his coat to the park and he’s cold.
	Jill is silly on the skateboard and falls off and gets hurt.

Parents make an important choice when they see Natural Consequences affecting their child. They either align themselves with their child or they align themselves with the consequence. If you take the side of the consequence then you say things like, “I told you that was going to happen.” Or, “See, if you’d just listen to me.” 

The key to gaining the most out of Natural Consequences is to align yourself with your child by expressing empathy. “Ouch! I’ll bet that hurt. Come here and let me see." Genuine empathy places you on your child’s side as a counselor or coach.

Be careful not to launch into a lecture when Natural Consequences hit home. Sometimes you might make a comment to help the child connect the consequence to a life lesson but be careful that it doesn’t appear to be a lecture. If you do, you’ll likely lose the benefit and the child may resist receiving the lesson.

Jesus used natural consequences with Peter. He seemed to be the kind of guy that was always learning from experience. My favorite is when Peter denied Christ three times. Peter lied and said that he didn’t know Jesus. The Bible tells us that the rooster crowed and at that moment Jesus’ eyes met Peter’s. You see the natural consequence of lying is that you hurt the relationship. Jesus didn’t have to give a lecture or ground Peter. It was just the look of the master’s eyes. Peter saw it and went out and wept bitterly. 

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Sometimes parents find themselves in a dilemma wondering if they should allow Natural Consequences to run their course or they should step in and rescue their child. The child who forgets his lunch or his assignment at home, for example, leaves Mom wondering, “Should I let him learn by experience or should I help him out?” 

The answer to this question has to do with the map we mentioned earlier. What are you trying to teach? On the one hand, if you’re trying to teach your son or daughter not to be forgetful, you might take advantage of the forgotten lunch or assignment to allow the consequence to bring a painful reminder.

On the other hand, families are a place where we take care of each other and help each other out. Each member in need can rely on others to take up the slack. If that’s the principle you want to emphasize then you take the forgotten item to school with a smile.

Natural Consequences are helpful but they aren’t the only tool. You must decide if and when to allow the lessons of life to teach and when to step in.

Natural Consequences are used in the Bible. Look up the following two passages and write down the Natural Consequence that Jesus used to teach Peter a lesson. Matthew 14:25-31 and Matthew 26:69-75.

2 • Logical Consequences

Natural Consequences must be abandoned when people or property are in danger or when they just take too long to work. In those cases you might use Logical Consequences instead to communicate a similar message about life.

Remember here again that the success of Logical Consequences rests partly in the ability of the parent to empathize with the child. "Oh, I’m sorry that you did that, now you’re going to have to be disciplined.

Logical consequences require some forethought. You can’t typically jump right in, or react impulsively unless you have a good idea. The goal is to look for a consequence that teaches a lesson similar to the natural consequence in the situation.

The Key to Logical Consequences is planning and thinking ahead.

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Natural Consequences must be abandoned when people or property is in danger or when they just take too long to work. In those cases you might use Logical Consequences instead to communicate a similar message about life.

Example #1
Rick, age 10, and Tom, age 8, are digging holes in the front lawn with a shovel, damaging the yard. Dad steps in and stops them from digging and, as a consequence, requires that they stop playing and rake the leaves into piles. It’s a logical consequence because destroying the yard is replaced with the task of improving it.

Example #2
Mindy, age 14, left her favorite coat at the gym again. Mom retrieves the coat but tells Mindy that she can’t wear it for a week. It’s a logical consequence because actually losing the coat would mean not wearing it ever again.

Example #3
Tony steals a pack of candy from the store. Mom takes Tony to the police station to have him talk to a policeman about the theft. It’s a logical consequence because people who steal eventually get caught. Mom’s just speeding up the process.

Example #4
Monte continually slams his door because he’s angry. Dad decides that he’ll remove the door from Monte’s room for a while. It’s a logical consequence because eventually slamming a door means that you’d lose it because it would break.

Remember here again that the success of Logical Consequences rests partly in the ability of the parent to empathize with the child. “Oh, I’m sorry that you did that, now you’re going to have to be disciplined.”

In John 13, Jesus got up to wash the disciples feet. Peter didn’t want to participate, however, telling Jesus no. Jesus responded with a logical consequence that said, “then you can’t be part of me.” Peter, realizing the significance of the washing changed his mind and invited Jesus to wash his whole body. Peter got the message and changed his heart. Jesus used the warning of a logical consequence to teach Peter the important lesson.

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Example #1
Because Kari is talking on the phone for long periods of time and disregarding parental warnings, Mom takes away all phone privileges until Kari shows a greater responsiveness to Mom in other areas.

Example #2
Wendy is disrespectful to Dad so he tells Wendy that she can’t go over to her friend’s house for the next three days and then after that time he will evaluate her attitude.

Example #3
Tim procrastinated about his homework so Dad told him that he wouldn’t be able to watch the baseball game on TV until he finished it.

Example #4 
Debbie, age 3, runs away from her mother at the store so Mom requires Debbie to ride in the stroller for the rest of their outing.

Restricting freedom is one of the consequences recommended for children who are dishonest. Freedom goes along with trustworthiness. 

Some parents struggle with restricting freedom because they want their children to enjoy the privileges that are often associated with a particular age or stage of their lives. But some children aren’t yet mature enough to handle those privileges and when parents give them the kids flounder in irresponsibility. 

Remember that overindulgence doesn’t necessarily have to do with excess. Instead overindulgence is giving children more privileges than their character can withstand.

Jesus taught his disciples about responsibility in Matthew 25:14-30 by telling them the parable of the landowner who left talents in the hands of stewards while he was gone. When he returned to check on their work he discovered that two were responsible and one was not. To the faithful stewards he said, “Because you’ve been faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things.” To the lazy servant he said, “Even the little you have will be taken from you.” That’s the very principle parents teach their children when they remove or give privileges. Responsibility is a prerequisite for many of the privileges their children keep.

Sometimes children must lose some of their privileges in order to recognize the importance of changing. Some children don’t see their benefits as privileges. They assume they are rights. Sometimes parents must teach children that the things they have or the freedom they experience are not rights but privileges that they could easily lose. 

When restricting freedom, don’t just remove the privilege for a set period of time. Instead allow the child to earn the privilege back by changing in a particular way. 

Sometimes privileges are lost for long periods of time, but most of the time parents can take the privilege away until the child demonstrates some maturity in order to get it back. Cory may lose the privilege of playing computer games because he isn’t getting a good report from school. Mom may choose to reinstate the computer games when she does get a positive report from his teacher. 

Allowing children to earn back privileges gives them hope and it increases the number of times you can teach and correct. It motivates children to change.

Sometimes parents see signs of immaturity and irresponsibility that indicate that a child has too much freedom and they aren’t able to manage it properly. It’s in these situations that children need limitations on that freedom.

The child who doesn’t have the character yet, needs fewer privileges because privilege and responsibility go together.

The key to restricting freedom is to tell children how they can earn privileges back.

Sometimes parents think that a big consequence will increase learning, but often it’s the smaller give and take of privileges that helps children develop new patterns and change.

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3 • Restricting Freedom

More Parental Control is the consequence you need when a child is failing. Whether they are failing at school, or failing in relationships, the solution is for parents to get more involved and teach the child what it takes to be successful. Whether it’s schoolwork, piano, or budgeting money, many kids don’t have the skills or maturity necessary to succeed.

More Parental Control is like a jello-mold for kids. While their character is weak, parents provide the structures of life. As children grow more in their self-control, parents are able to remove their own control leaving the child able to stand on his own. Some parents make the mistake of allowing their teens far more control of their lives than is helpful. It’s at this stage that more parental control is often necessary to get these kids back on track.

The Key to using More Parental Control is to make your kids successful, even when they don’t want it.

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Example #1
Pete, age 5, is touching things at the museum so Dad requires Pete to hold Dad’s hand for awhile.

Example #2
Martha is failing at school because she isn’t turning in her homework so Mom gets more involved, requiring her daughter to show Mom her completed assignments each afternoon. Mom checks her work and increases direct communication with the teacher.

Example #3
Al can’t practice the piano for more than five minutes without distraction. So, Mom has to sit with Al for 30 minutes each afternoon while he practices.

4 • More Parental Control

There are two extremes when it comes to spanking. On the one hand, some say that spanking is the silver bullet of parenting and if you are not spanking your kids then you are not being a godly parent. Then, on the other hand, some say that if you spank your kids they will be emotionally crippled and develop violent tendencies. Neither of these extremes is helpful. Rather, a balance is in order, recognizing that spanking may be a tool in your parenting toolbox. 

Those who idolize spanking often look to the Bible where the word “rod” is used five times to describe discipline of children. It’s interesting that these same people rarely talk about the three additional times that the word “rod” is used when describing the discipline of adults. A more careful study of the book of Proverbs however reveals over 90 times other forms of discipline. Words like “warning,” “correction,” “rebuke,” “instruction,” and “teaching” all describe ways to work with children that don’t necessarily involve spanking.

 An obvious conclusion then from the scriptures is that spanking can be a tool in the toolbox. One tool among many, but it can’t be your only one. 

By the way, there are some studies that seem to indicate that spanking results in emotionally crippled children. Unfortunately these studies do not isolate anger or separate it from spanking in the studies. It is our belief that it’s not the spanking that creates emotional damage in children but the discipline in anger that hurts them.

Here are four principles to govern your decision about whether to use spanking with your children:

1.	If you have a problem with anger, you should not use spanking as a tool. There are many other consequences that you can use that are effective.
2.	The measure of success of any tool in part has to do whether it is effective at changing your child’s heart. If spanking doesn’t work, use a different tool. 
3.	Spanking is often an effective way of motivating children toward repentance. 
4.	Spanking is best used with younger children, recognizing that as children grow older they can respond to consequences that have a more clear life lesson.

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 5 • Spanking

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William had a problem following instructions and often had a bad attitude. Mom and Dad were careful to balance firmness with love with their son. When William joined the baseball team, the coach treated William harshly for the very same offenses. Dad got angry and came to William’s defense. Dad’s actions discounted the impact of the coach’s discipline. Even though the coach is wrong in his approach, Dad may have been more effective at helping his son understand the coach’s anger and respond better himself. Good lessons can be learned from imperfect authorities if parents would take advantage of the consequences instead of getting in the way.

Dad was right in this situation. The coach was wrong for his harsh approach. But being right is not good enough. If you want your children to gain the most from life, you must also be wise. Dad may have been more effective by using the difficult coach to teach his son a valuable lesson.

In fact, we would suggest that you make youth group and Sunday school mandatory. Don’t listen to excuses like “I don’t want to go,” or, “It’s boring.” Rather explain to children that in our family we go to these church activities, whether you like it or not. In the long run, kids benefit greatly from the influence of other leaders at church.

Your children come under the leadership and authority of other adults. Grandparents, babysitters, coaches, teachers, policemen, counselors, and youth leaders. Each of these authorities plays a role in the training of your children. They usually discipline your children differently than you do. Some parents react to the differences and get in the way of lessons their children need to learn.

There’s nothing wrong with correcting another authority and helping other adults grow in their weaknesses. Sometimes grandparents need training or a teacher would benefit from knowing a better approach to work with your child. These comments are best shared in private however, so as not to undermine the authority of other leaders. 

Often other authorities in your child’s life will say the very same things you say and kids can often receive the truths more easily. Look for ways to get your children involved in activities that require others to discipline them. One of the benefits of a job is that kids have another adult talking about cleaning up after yourself, putting your things away, being there on time, and working hard. 

A church is an excellent source of youth activities and leadership. It’s usually unwise to keep your kids home from youth group or Sunday school as a consequence. If your kids are acting out at home then make sure they go to youth group and Sunday school. Maybe God will use those leaders as instruments of growth in your kids. 

The key to using other leaders and Authorities is to support their leadership. Sometimes that means as parents we just remain quiet, other times it means we coach our kids and teach them how to be successful in that environment.

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6 • Other Leaders and Authorities
7 • Positive Side of the Toolbox – Training

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Example:
Scott, age fourteen, has a bad attitude when given an instruction. Dad tells Scott that he has five jobs for Saturday morning clean up and Scott will have to do at least two but up to five based on how well he can respond to the instructions.

Many children who have bad attitudes or who are resistant to instruction or correction need to learn how to work harder. When kids learn how to work hard, they develop perseverance, confidence, and the ability to take on an assignment. If your children seem to have a hard time with their level of work, maybe it’s time to increase the pressure. In the end this could have a very positive effect.

Romans 5: 3-4 says that “suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.”

Many children lack the hope that they can accomplish a task. The solution is to develop character which comes from perseverance which comes from suffering. Increasing the work load for our children can be that “suffering” that they need to develop the strength to carry them through life’s challenges.

The positive side of the toolbox involves training. It requires that you think more broadly about consequences so that your thinking incorporates more than just negative ways to change behavior. Those deterrents are helpful in helping children change but many children need the continual practice of doing the right thing.

Sometimes parents say, “I’ve tried everything and nothing works with my child. He won’t change.” At these points we typically move into the positive side of the toolbox and experience positive results.

Some children need to be forced to do the right thing over and over again. In fact, the consequence for a negative pattern of behavior may be to practice doing the right thing. 

The key to using the positive side of the toolbox—Training is to ask yourself “What do I want them to do?”

Richie, age seven, is mean to his younger sister. He seems to enjoy being mean and no consequences seem to have an effect. Mom decides to have Richie choose three kind things he can do for his sister. She repeats this consequence a couple times a day.

Kim, age four, runs away from her mom in the grocery store. As a consequence, Mom practices a “Come When You’re Called Rule” several times an hour for the rest of the day.

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